Last night was incredibly fun! Except for the fact that my parents are inconsiderate and made Nash come home at 12 and me at 1:30. That's inconsiderate because I didn't have a ride at 1:30, and I figured I could take off at 1 and walk home, but I probably wouldn't have made it across Bicentennial. Aside from all that be-home-by-12 drama, I actually had an amazing time! I played my set, which was short and probably slurred, but fun to say the most! I was sad that Charlie had stepped out for more stuff and didn't get back until I was done playing, but whatev, there will be more shows! Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, dancing and whatnot, but some people were just standing there. And some people we didn't even know, so we wondered why they were there. Certainly NOT for the MUSIK. I am grateful that Jen, Claudia, and Vannie showed up! I dedicated Avocado #2 to my grrrlfwend JEN because I love her and she loves me and Avocado #2 is all about having and sharing love for people, plants, animals, and life. Life is good, but right now I think it SUX. I want to keep up my campaign because I truly believe in it, but how can you keep up an image of being happy and carefree because life really IS good and then come home and cry your lil' eyes out because of your home. I hate that word--home. What a joke. I don't think I have a home. I have a house, but not a home. Home should be a place you look forward to coming home to because of the atmosphere and the people, a place where you feel safe and secure, a place where everyone understands one another and we have a "beautiful family." I don't have that. Maybe others think I do, but, really, my home is only my house. I love my parents, but they are really destroying all motivation I have to either become a filmmaker or live. Really, I say I want to die, but I really don't! I don't want to die, I don't want to get old, I just want to live forever and change the world and have my parents respect me and understand me. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE. Is that bad? Fuck skool man, fuck it. I hate that I am expected to bring home As and Bs, but I am fucking grateful that I don't have to work so hard to keep those grades. Seriously, the only thing I actually pray for is to pass tests, keep my grades up, and that happens! But I don't think my prayers are actually answered because I also pray for God, or whoever the fuck helps people, to help my family. It's more specific than that, but I rather not mention it here. I pray every time something goes wrong at home, or when I am forced to go to church, or when I just feel really alone, but that one problem I have at home is NEVER FIXED. I do believe in some sort of God, but not in the Catholic sense. I hate the Catholic religion. I hate going to church, I hate that I was brought up to believe shit like heaven, hell, and purgatory, and I hate that I was taught to pray for the things I wanted in life (AND I NEVER EVER HAVE PRAYED FOR MATERIALISTIC THINGS) and those prayers would be answered. FUCK THAT. The only prayer that goes answered is my grades, and I think it's because I actually am smart and can do well in school without prayer. My family still is in the same situation, Nash still struggles with her grades (yes, Nash, I pray for you too), and everyone is always so pissed off! No, this year I have realized that I don't need to be force-fed a religion that asks us mere MORTALS to sacrifice everything we have in order to get to heaven. I don't even think there is a heaven! And since there isn't a heaven, or hell, then what the fuck are we sacrificing the things we love for???? WHAT?! I want to know. Why can't we just live our lives the way we want and strive to be happy? The path to happiness is just as hard as the journey my MOTHER thinks EVERYONE should take to be able to get into heaven. I just want to be happy, and I try to accept myself and my family and my life as it is and try to find happiness but something always has to get in the way: my body, my parents, my hatred, my ignorance. Look, I don't know what I am trying to get at. When I started writing this I wanted to tell everyone about how much fun the show was, how much I danced, how much I sucked at my set, but still just the FUN I had. But then I remembered the drama from last night. Nash and I talking. Charlie trying to fix things but really just rambling about me being 18 and stuff. But this entry has escalated into what I think about every day and night. I don't want to force my troubles on you faithful LJ friends who take the time and have the patience to read this entire paragraph of nonsense and ranting. (I made a choice, as a writer, to make this entry an entire paragraph because it represents A MOMENT--fucking IB English 4). Just say what you will, comment or don't, I probably won't be writing as often in this thing anymore. I'll post some pictures from last night after I got pick up the camera from Charlie's and develop the film that is in it. Thanks for putting up with this entry, those who did, and I hope everyone is able to find their own happiness. Because life IS good, we just need to weed out the bad in order to keep it that way.